Month: April 2019

….How gossiping has a negative effect on children?

It is true that gossiping fulfills fundamental needs like feeling a connection with others, providing entertainment, or helping us to feel better about ourselves. But ultimately gossip is harmful to our relationships, to ourselves, and to other people.

Here’s what children learn from adults when we gossip:

1. It is okay to be unkind and unthoughtful– although gossiping is only words, those words are hurtful and self-serving. Years ago, my 7-year-old came home from school sad about what she heard someone say about her. She wisely reported that words hurt worse than rocks.
2. How to interact and treat others –When our interactions with others lack integrity, our relationships suffer. Talking negatively about others shows them what they can expect when they are not there.
3. We can’t be trusted to keep a secret – When we talk about others we are showing that we don’t care about another’s privacy. Others will ultimately be guarded around us because we can’t be trusted.

3 ways to teach your children to be impeccable with their word by:

1. Be aware of your thoughts and feelings toward others – Notice that gossiping provides a false momentary pleasure and when you have left the situation it will cut out some joy from your life.
2. Be willing to be uncomfortable – It can be hard to not share in the talk about another person. We might be at a loss for what are we going to talk about instead. If gossiping has become a habit, it might take some time to be comfortable with not saying anything.
3. Find new ways to connect – Instead of connecting with others by discussing the problems or misfortunes of another, be more genuine, and your relationships will flourish.
4. Talk about others as if they are present – when you do talk about another person, do so as if that person were standing right there. It will keep your words uplifting.

We can replace gossip with positive, helpful conversations, so that our children learn to do the same. The result is a joyous life of integrity.

It is natural to have thoughts about WHO our child is from a very young age. These thoughts often come from our past experiences, how we view ourselves, and our expectations of our child. If we are not careful, these thoughts turn into labels and can be damaging to our children and our relationships with them.

There is a difference between labeling a child and labeling the child’s behavior. This difference is subtle in its wording, but dramatic in our thoughts, feelings, and actions toward our child. When we label our child, it can be harmful, whereas when we label our child’s behavior it can be constructive. Labeling our child means using words that describe our child’s personality, like “you are forgetful”, “my child is shy”, or “he is bossy”. However, when we use verbiage like “you forgot your backpack”, “my child didn’t want to talk”, or “he talked out of turn”, we are labeling our child’s behavior or actions. The first example creates expectations in the child’s mind of who he is to be, whereas the second example states what the child did.

Results of labeling our child?

1. Labeling determines how we view our child: How we refer to our child can become a habit and ultimately become who our child is in our eyes, instead of how they are behaving at the time. It is harder to correct behavior if we have labeled our child as a certain kind of person. For example, if your child is labeled as a “bully”, instead of “saying mean things is not okay”, then he may continue to be unkind to those around him. The child knows how you feel about him and ultimately gets the attitude “Why even bother to change”.
2. Labeling determines how our child views himself: Our child can sense how others feel about him and often hear what we say. Our child will pick up on these interactions, however small, and come to believe what he hears and feels. He will ultimately behave and act in a manner to fulfill these expectations.
3. Labeling determines how other people view our child: Other people see our child as the label assigned to him, even after the child has outgrown a certain stage in life, he may be stuck with a certain label from his past. Remember, others will treat your child in accordance to how you label him and how you treat him.

Avoid the “Labeling trap”

Make positive changes and improve your relationship with your child by avoiding negative labels. Be conscious of this process by working through the following 4 steps to avoid the labeling trap:

1. Change your thoughts: Your thoughts are where it all starts. Reflect on how you view your child and the thoughts you have about him on a regular basis. Notice how these thoughts effect your interactions with your child. Ask yourself if these thoughts help you feel closer to your child. Are the thoughts you have about your child helpful or hurtful? Example: Your thought might be “my child is lazy”. Can you change that thought? How about thinking instead, “my child is learning to work”.
2. Change your feelings: Your thoughts are directly linked to the feelings you have about your child. Examples of feelings we might have toward our child include: loving, irritated, empathetic, compassionate, angry, etc. Example: If your thought is “my child is lazy”, you might have feelings of irritation. However, if your thought is, “my child is still learning to work” you could more easily have feelings of empathy.
3. Change your actions: The way you feel about a situation is ultimately how you will show up. Your feelings inwardly create your actions outwardly. Example: The feeling of irritation will cause you to be less patient with your child. Whereas if you feel empathetic you will act much more patient.
4. Change your results: The overall outcome, our relationship with our child, is what is ultimately most important. Example: If you are impatient, the result will be that your child will be defensive and not want to be around you. However, if you interact with your child in a patient way, he will feel safer and more comfortable with you. Because you have feelings of empathy you will be able to enjoy your child more.

The guidelines above will help change negative labeling, focus on your child’s behaviors rather than personality traits, and create stronger, more positive relationships that will last a lifetime. It takes a conscious effort, but is worth the work!

In Japan they have a saying, Wabi-Sabi, which is the art of imperfection. Meaning that there is beauty in our imperfections.

Parenting is not easy or perfect! Parenting is actually very imperfect. I must admit that there are times I have tried to look and be perfect on the outside when my parenting was far from that on the inside. I have learned from mistakes and experience that it is imperfections that make raising children beautiful and fun.

Here are some suggestions to honoring our imperfections and to be a “Wabi-Sabi parent”:

1. Be real – Sometimes we are mad, sad, or upset. Sometimes we are happy, excited, or exuberant. It’s okay for our children to see us in these different roles and learn from how we handle stress and joy. Let your children see you silly and serious. Let them see the soft side of you as well as the frustrated side.
2. Be kind to yourself – we are human, so we make mistakes, just as our children make mistakes. This is part of the human experience. We are all on a journey and part of that journey is making mistakes and learning from them.
3. Be willing to apologize – When you make a mistake or overreact make it right with your child by admitting you were wrong. That example not only lets them know that you are human, but it lets them know that they can also be forgiven for their mistakes.
4. Help! – Parenting can be so challenging, especially if we feel alone. Look for help in friends, family, and even professionals when the job seems too overwhelming. There have been times that telling my frustrating parenting story to a listening ear gives me the courage to face the challenges I’m dealing with more effectively.
5. Have a sense of humor – I was at my brother-in-law’s home one night while he was putting his child to bed. The boy was throwing a huge tantrum and screaming “I hate you! I hate you!” He was out of control. Finally, my brother-in-law told the boy in a very loving, syrupy voice, “Oh, that’s so nice of you. It’s opposite day! so that means you love me”. Whereby the boy in frustration with his dad’s patience started screaming, “I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!”

There is not one right way to parent. But as you parent the little cherubs you have charge over, do it with love, patience, and a sense of humor. All the while embracing the imperfection of the experience.